Rethinking the Language of “Narcissistic Abuse”: Why the Words We Use Matter

We can validate experiences of abuse, believe survivors, and hold people accountable for harm without using language that increases stigma, distracts us from the mechanisms of abuse or dehumanises an entire group of people.

When language causes more harm than it helps, it is worth asking: is this language actually useful? Who does it serve? Who does it harm?

The term “narcissistic abuse” has become widely used to describe experiences of emotional abuse, psychological abuse and coercive control. Many people use this language because it helps them make sense of painful experiences and provides legitimacy to their experiences (I know, I've been there). However, we can honour those experiences while also critically examining whether this term accurately describes abuse and what consequences using such a stigmatising term may have on a marginalised group of people.

Here are 9 reasons why we may need to rethink using the term “narcissistic abuse”:

It doesn’t actually name a particular type of abuse. that emotional abuse, psychological abuse or domestic violence doesn’t already name.

There is no form of abuse that only people with NPD do. What is often described as “narcissistic abuse” including emotional abuse, manipulation, gaslighting, coercive control, intimidation or exploitation can be perpetrated by anyone. These behaviours already have established language: emotional abuse, psychological abuse, coercive control and domestic violence. Using accurate descriptions helps us identify the actual behaviour occurring rather than attributing harm to a diagnostic label.

It can impact how survivors receive support.

When we move away from established terms like emotional abuse, domestic violence, or coercive control, there is a risk that survivors’ experiences become harder to identify within support systems, research, and services. Survivors deserve language that connects them to meaningful support.

It shifts focus away from the mechanisms of abuse.

Reducing the abuse to “narcissism” hides the broader mechanisms of abuse which is about power and control. When we reduce abuse to a diagnosis, we risk minimising the broader social systems in play that allow abuse to occur.

It reinforces the idea that people with NPD are inherently abusive.

A diagnosis of NPD does not automatically mean someone is abusive. A diagnosis does not determine someone's morality or predict whether they will harm others.

It contributes to stigma against personality disorders.

Personality disorder diagnoses already carry significant stigma. Popular use of terms like “narcissist” as shorthand for “bad person” or "abusive person" increases discrimination and discourage people from seeking help.

It can make abuse harder to recognise.

People may focus on whether someone “is a narcissist” rather than identifying concrete behaviours like coercive control, intimidation, isolation, threats, financial abuse or emotional manipulation which can be done by anyone regardless of a diagnosis.

It can pathologise survivors’ experiences and the abuser instead of focusing on the behaviour.

Survivors deserve language that validates what happened to them. Framing harm as “narcissistic abuse” can unintentionally create a diagnostic explanation for the person who caused harm rather than centering the impact of the abuse and centring the survivor’s experience and safety.

The term has become part of pop psychology and used as a marketing tactic to profit off of abuse survivors.

The language of “narcissistic abuse” has increasingly become commercialised, with books, courses, coaching programs, and online content built around identifying “narcissists” but never really about actually supporting survivors.

We can support survivors without creating new forms of harm.

Survivors of abuse or trauma deserve to talk about their experiences but that shouldn’t come at the cost of perpetuating stigma and harm against other survivors of abuse and trauma.

The words we use shape the way we see people, the way we respond to suffering, and the kind of world we create. If we care about abuse and trauma survivors, that means not perpetuating harm or stigma against people with NPD. If we care about neurodivergent people, that means not perpetuating harm or stigma against people with NPD.