To embrace neurodiversity is to embrace inconsistency.

I’m an inconsistent person.

I’m inconsistent in the way my attention ebbs and flows throughout the day; it isn’t steady; it shifts in intensity, direction and focus. I’m inconsistent when it comes to my capacity; I don’t have the same capacity every day. I’m inconsistent in my ability to communicate; I can take days or weeks to respond to emails or messages. I’m inconsistent in my moods and emotions.

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I’ve always been made to feel bad for my inconsistency in one way or another. I’ve been told I’m unreliable for not showing up to an appointment because I couldn’t leave the house when I could the week before. I’ve been made to feel like I’m flakey because I have to cancel plans often. I’ve lost friendships because I can’t keep up with the consistent and regular communication that is often expected in neuronormative friendships. I’ve lost jobs because I can’t consistently attend shifts or even perform the job duties consistently. I’ve had my fleeting hobbies, interests and phases pathologised and labelled as a sign of an unstable sense of self.

All of these experiences and messages have led me to view my inconsistency as a personal failing; something wrong with me; a sign of an illness; a deficit.

I know I’m not alone in feeling like I’m unworthy or inadequate because I am inconsistent. I know I’m not the only person who has felt like they’ll never find friends who don’t hold it against them when they have to cancel. I know I’m not the only content creator who feels like a bad content creator because they don’t, and can’t, post consistently. I know I’m not the only person who has been afraid they’ll be fired because they’ve taken too many sick days.

In order to challenge and disrupt neuronormativity, we need to break away from our tendency to view any kind of inconsistency as a red flag or personal failing.

Inconsistent communication from a partner is often labelled as a red flag yet this doesn’t account for the differences in neurodivergent people’s communication, executive functioning or capacity. Cancelling plans or showing up late is seen as another red flag yet this doesn’t consider how neurodivergent and disabled people have differences in our capacity, energy and time perception.

I want to be clear that I’m not saying inconsistency is never a bad thing or can’t be a red flag. There are certainly some contexts and situations where inconsistency isn’t a good thing but it’s the value judgments that we place on inconsistency that is the problem. It’s our default tendency to shame any sign of inconsistency.

I truly believe our attitudes towards inconsistency are harming both neurodivergent and disabled people; causing unnecessary feelings of shame. It’s setting up standards and expectations that we cannot meet, no matter how hard we try.

I used to see my inconsistency as a personal failing but now, I see consistency as the expectation that is failing everyone.

I am not a bad person if I have to cancel plans.

I’ve been called unreliable, irresponsible, lazy and made to feel like a bad person for my inconsistent capacity and fluctuating needs. I tend to cancel plans a lot. I cancel on friends, I cancel on dates and I cancel on appointments that yes, I really shouldn’t cancel on. I used to be the employee that would call in sick a lot when I tried to work part time. As an advocate and public speaker, I still have times where I have to cancel the occasional talk or workshop. I’ve done it a few times this year and each time, I’ve felt strong feelings of shame, guilt and failure. I won’t sugar coat it, it often feels like I’ve disappointed the other person so greatly that I can expect their rejection at any moment.

It isn’t fair that we can feel so much shame that feeds into self-hatred for something that is out of our control. I don’t think we deserve to feel guilt or embarrassment for responding to our needs by cancelling and it definitely isn’t fair that cancelling plans is so often viewed as a personal failing.

I’m lucky because I have found friends who understand that it may take me days or weeks to respond to messages. I have found people who don’t judge me if I need to cancel plans because they understand that my capacity and energy for tasks can change. I hold myself to more sustainable expectations when it comes to managing my schedule because I recognise my inconsistent capacity.

If we can understand that everyone has individual needs, capacity and energy levels and how this may lead to us having to cancel or back out of plans, maybe we could feel less shit about ourselves.

Our energy and capacity is inconsistent and because it is inconsistent, our ability to show up in our social life; our work life; our dating life and our home life, is also going to be inconsistent. It does mean we’re going to have to cancel plans, even when we don’t want to, and we shouldn’t have to view cancelling as a bad thing. I’m not a bad person for cancelling because I’m not a bad person for honouring my capacity or my needs. I don’t like cancelling but I refuse to allow myself to feel worse for having to do it and I will not surround myself with people who make me feel guilty for having to do it either. I don’t believe you should either.

My hobbies and interests aren’t any less important because they change a lot.

I used to feel embarrassed about changing from hobby to hobby; for never being able to just stick to one or two. As someone with the label of Borderline Personality Disorder and Bipolar, my fleeting and ever changing interests were always put down to an unstable sense of self or mania. And it led me to be afraid of my changing interests; that if I started to become interested in something, it wasn’t what I really wanted, it was a sign that I didn’t really know myself. I had an unstable sense of self, after all. My ever changing hobbies and interests have been turned into a symptom they want to fix or manage.

I have been told by countless narratives around me that my hyperfixations, my inconsistent hobbies and interests are a sign of an illness - something wrong with me instead of something that is a part of who I am. As a result, I question every phase I go through, every hobby I pick up, every interest that catches my fancy and every idea I have, no matter how brilliant the idea. Whenever I decide I like wearing a new colour (my current colour phase is brown) or whenever I decide to explore a new hobby I hesitate to share in case of how other people may react.

Will they take me less seriously?

Will they question my frame of mind?

Will they see the hobby as less valid because it might not last?

Do you know how many hobbies or interests I’ve had in my life so far? I’ve been into Magic The Gathering, Rocket League, Doctor Who, cross stitching, owls, skateboarding, roller skating, baking, hiking, painting furniture, dinosaurs, pole dancing, make-up, crocs, powerlifting, growing potatoes, musical theatre, singing, Twilight, photography, film photography and so much more.

I never know how long a hobby or interest will last for. I never know what will become such an integral part of me. I never know what will catch my fancy next. I can’t predict what will become my next hyperfixation or the next hobby I’ll pick up temporarily before putting it down. When I do discover a new hobby, however, and it tickles a part of my brain that lights up like fairy lights at a pool party, it usually goes like this:

I discover a new hobby. I get really excited so I start researching and I consume all of the content. I make it my mission to collect the things to do the hobby which often includes buying all the things. I enjoy the hobby and after a while, I lose interest in the hobby. Rinse, cycle, repeat. In the past, the cycle would end with me feeling embarrassed that yet again another hobby didn’t last. I would worry that someone would ask how my hobby was going at the time and I would have to admit I wasn’t doing it anymore. I would feel guilty every time I walked past the discarded hobbies; the guitar in the lounge room; the collection of rollerblades on the shelf; the half painted chair in the kitchen; the unused collection of colourful eye liner that was inspired after watching Jezz Chung online.

I used to try to prevent this cycle by not pursuing any hobbies at all. As if having hobbies or interests isn’t worth it if you don’t stick with it forever. It wasn’t worth enjoying something temporarily if it was only going to be met with shame or judgement. I didn’t want to feel like a failure for not sticking with a hobby. I definitely didn’t want to feel like I wasted money on a hobby only to discard it after a while. I’ll admit that I have made poor choices in the past when it comes to spending money on a new favourite interest or hobby. It is hard not to feel guilty for spending money on a hobby when it meant you didn’t pay a bill. It’s easier to look at the discarded hobbies sitting in the spare room when they don’t remind you of unpaid debts or the fight you got into with your partner. I think it’s possible to acknowledge we could’ve spent the money differently without beating ourselves up. I just don’t see shame and guilt as a helpful way to look at my hobbies and interests. I experience enough shame as it is, I don’t need to experience it walking through my house or every time I’m like “I should take up rock painting”, you know?

I don’t want to change my relationship with my hobbies. I don’t believe I can change my relationship with my hobbies. There’s no right way to experience hobbies or interests, right?

I prefer to follow my whims, curiosity and sparks of inspiration.

I mentioned the cycle of changing hobbies earlier and while I can’t change the cycle, I can skip the feelings of guilt, embarrassment and shame. I don’t want to hate myself because I’m seen as fickle for changing hobbies or interests all the time. I hope you know thar you don’t need to, either. You don’t need to master every hobby. It’s okay to try out hobbies. You don’t need to stick to every hobby you try. Your interests are allowed to change. Frequently, too!

Some hobbies and interests come and go.

Some hobbies and interests stick around like a favourite childhood toy.

Some hobbies and interests rotate like comets coming into orbit every so often.

I used to see my discarded hobbies as collecting dust but now I look at them like I would look at art in a gallery, reminding me of every moment of joy, curiosity, excitement and passion. I don’t see it as a museum of forgotten items but as a hobby shop that I can return to at any time.

Just because you only enjoyed something temporarily doesn’t mean it wasn’t important, valuable or enjoyable. There is nothing wrong with enjoying something. There is nothing wrong with enjoying something for the sake of enjoying it and there’s nothing wrong with moving on once you’ve enjoyed something. If you’re wondering whether the hobby was worth it or valuable, ask yourself:

Did you have fun discovering a new hobby before abandoning it?

Did you have fun learning a new skill before abandoning it?

Did you have fun gaining knowledge before abandoning it?

Did you simply have fun?

An inconsistent path is still a path to somewhere.

I used to be embarrassed about my unconventional pathway. The fact it took me seven years to finish one degree. The fact that I have switched and dropped multiple degrees - wasting both money and time. The fact that I’ve applied to nine different universities only to never follow through because of mania and spontaneous hyperfixations.

I choose to not be embarrassed anymore. I choose to not be ashamed of my unconventional pathway or my barely passing grades because an inconsistent path is still a path to somewhere.

Firstly, I know my unconventional and inconsistent pathway was impacted by my disabilities, mental health and lack of support, a stable home and financial security. I dunno about you but to be neurodivergent and disabled is to live a life of inconsistent pathways. Secondly, I believe my unconventional pathway was a reflection of discovery and learning. Maybe I needed to figure some stuff out. Maybe I needed to drop out to discover my values and I needed to switch degrees to discover my interests.

Imagine if I didn’t drop out of forensic science? Imagine if I didn’t have the guts to pursue psychology because I listened to stereotypes about dropping out. If I didn’t switch degrees for the third time, I never would have been president of the nursing society at my university or joined the rural nursing club. If you’re wondering where part of my advocacy and public speaking skills come from, it’s from these experiences. Experiences I never would have had if I didn’t switch degrees three times, if I wasn’t so inconsistent. If I didn’t drop out of my nursing degree only to return to studying psychology, I never would have worked in peer support. I gained a lot of my values from peer support and the lived experience community. I actually moved from peer support into advocacy so I am where I am now because of the consequences of my inconsistency. I can’t fault that. I can’t fault my path no matter how unconventional or inconsistent it is.

I guess I don’t want anyone else to fault their own personal path either. If you’re reading this and feeling embarrassed over your own experiences with university or college, I want you to know a couple of things. Firstly, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with dropping out of a degree when your circumstances, needs or capacity change. Secondly, you’re allowed to switch degrees as you discover new strengths, goals or interests. And lastly, an inconsistent path is still a path that leads somewhere.

I am a constellation of my phases.

I want to address one last aspect of inconsistency that is often made fun of, belittled and even pathologized within Western society - which is phases. Have you noticed how shame, dismissiveness and judgement are associated with almost everything that’s considered a phase?

When relationships go through a so-called honeymoon phase, you often hear judgmental comments like “it won’t last” or “they’re just in the honeymoon phase”. I know of people having their experiences or feelings dismissed because it’s just a honeymoon phase. I’ve heard parents awkwardly tell the other parents that their kid who is currently dressed head to toe in Spiderman is just going through a phase. Or their rebellious kid who’s taken an interest in heavy metal, that’s just another phase too.

I go through phases a lot. I think it’s a part of my personality, really. I’m going through a couple of phases right now. And while these phases will surely end eventually, I’m not going to treat them or view them any less.

I have always felt the need to defend any phase I go through. I’m sure you’ve uttered the phrase “it’s not just a phase” at least once in your life as an act of defence. I would like to pose the question, why do we feel the need to defend something even if it is a phase? It might very well be a phase. There’s nothing wrong with going through a phase. In fact, I feel like our lives are made up of phases. It isn’t our phases that are a problem, it’s our attitude towards them. It’s our tendency to view phases as something negative - as if being temporary diminishes its value. I don’t think it does though.

I do not believe something is any less important or meaningful or even enjoyable just because it was temporary.

It’s like relationships and friendships that come and go. I’ve had many relationships and friendships that didn’t last but it doesn’t mean those relationships and friendships weren’t important and valuable at the time. I feel like I have taken something from every person who has passed through my life. I have a love of photography and musical theatre because of a friend that introduced me to them over fifteen years ago. One of my comfort shows is Stargate because when I lived on campus, a friend would invite me over to watch it, when neither of us could sleep. I belt out The Horses every time it comes on because of the times I spent at the local pub with a previous boyfriend.

While each of these relationships and friendships were temporary, I don’t believe for a second that they were worthless, pointless or meaningless. I believe the same of the phases we go through. I don’t believe our phases, however temporary, are automatically worthless, pointless or meaningless. Obviously, it doesn’t mean we have to put stock into every single phase. I mean, my extreme bucket hat phase from two summers ago isn’t that meaningful. I just really liked bucket hats for a while and I’m sure my milk crate full of bucket hats can attest to that. It’s simply about not using the possibility of something being a phase as a reason to dismiss it or view it as any less valuable or meaningful. And our phases can be valuable even if the value comes from the temporary enjoyment.

I hope you can find the time, space and freedom to chase your curiosity, joy, wonder and desires.

I hope you can follow the train tracks of your attention wherever they may go.

I hope you can try on different roles and discard them as you outgrow them.

I am where I am now because of the consequences of my inconsistency.

If inconsistent means not staying the same throughout then I am proudly inconsistent. Of course I haven’t stayed the same throughout my life and I hope I don’t remain the same throughout the rest of my life. I don’t ever want to find myself stagnant, unchanging, as the world around me keeps moving. I choose to embrace the shifting and transforming as I move through different phases and stages of my life. I don’t want my hobbies and interests to remain the same; I want to enjoy every passing phase or fancy and follow every whim or desire. I refuse to be confined to a single path; preferring to wander over to new paths as circumstances change or as opportunities arise.

If this is inconsistent, I will remain consistently inconsistent for the rest of my life.

I am where I am now because of the consequences of my inconsistency. If my path through life wasn’t inconsistent, if my path remained the same, I would still be where I was ten years ago or twenty years ago. Imagine if we didn’t change or grow as people? Imagine if we always held the same beliefs, standards and opinions despite our continuous learning as we move through life? Imagine if we didn’t allow ourselves to be open to new opportunities and temporary phases? Imagine if we restricted ourselves to only liking certain hobbies for the rest of our life? I can’t imagine that at all. I think it shows how consistency just isn’t possible, let alone sustainable, with so much diversity and so many variables.

If we know consistency is an unrealistic neuronormative standard, maybe we can hold less shame towards ourselves and other people can have more understanding.

If we are to embrace neurodiversity, we must embrace the inconsistency in our lives, our needs, our capacity and selves.